they say our hearts are beautiful

…something in you has fractured. Half of you is lost in grief for the girl you never got to be, the other inconsolable with your failure to be the girl they wanted…

the queer apostate

Me, 5 years old

When it begins you think they are giving you power. You are a little rosebud girl with easy smiles and a heart to please. They give you music: sing this for us. Jesus loves you, this I know. You are the light of their life. You are a princess, a daughter of God, they lavish royalty on you every time you swallow your pride, every time you cry over a lie, every time you make a little art from the scripts they wrote you. You learn the right words to say: “I’m not that kind of girl.” You never wear skirts above the knee. You never think about boys. You say weed is a gateway drug, you say you prefer real literature, you say everyone outside the nursery are living half lives and you are living the true one. They are all proud of you…

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